Competition Start Weight – 203.2
Current Weight – 194.2
Total Weight Lost To Date – 9.0 (4.4%)
Six weeks. Six weeks and it felt like I hadn’t done any of it. What the actual fuck.
The last two days have been some of the hardest lately, and I’m finally mentally sound to be able to write this without vomiting all over the page in rage, so, let’s focus on the good stuff for now.
I found this interesting article that further proves what I’ve been hearing little by little over the years in that cardio really doesn’t mean a lot for weight loss as some programs will tell you. It’s good for your circulatory system and overall health. But as far as weight loss goes, I love the way they put it.
“Working out for the sake of burning calories (i.e., cardio) is like paying off credit card debt. Exercising to build muscle (i.e., strength training) is like paying a mortgage. By building muscle mass, you’re building an asset, not trying to move forward on a metaphorical treadmill.”
Here's the article: Feel like Weight Loss Is Hopeless?
This article also goes into all the different ways your body works, and explains further why there’s hundreds of weight loss programs out there…because every body is different, and everyone needs to train their body in a specific way to maintain the weight they want to be at. Which really sucks for the underweight and the overweight. Especially for us overweight folks…
“As long as you are below your initial weight, your body is going to try to get you back,” says Dr. Michael Schwartz in the article.
Well fuck you, science.
Not really :) I said I was in a better mood, and I am…but I’m still completely frustrated. However, I know what I can and cannot do, and I am only going to take it one moment, one day at a time.
D-Day for me and my love is the day we get back from Mexico. Once we finally have a proper vacation and get all our party bugs out and satisfied, we can come back and tackle the rest of the year hopefully with clear paths and goals. There’s nothing big happening between now and Christmas, so it’s the perfect time to really get focused again and finish this first leg of the journey.
What I can learn from this article is that yes, while it may be hard to get to your goal weight, consistency in routine and diet over a long period of time will make it easier to maintain your new lifestyle and weight. I know this for a fact myself, because when I initially lost my 50 pounds a few years ago, I was able to stay within 35-45 pounds lost until the last few months, which inspired this program and blog. To date, I’m at 33 pounds less from my initial weight that I held for almost ten years. So to keep over 30 pounds off in the two years I’ve been beating myself up? Eye opening. I shouldn’t be beating myself. That’s the point.
I came to that realization last night on the way to the airport to pick up some family. My worst enemy is me. It always has been. I need to stop beating myself up for the way I am, because honestly, there’s NOTHING wrong with me. I’m very healthy, I have no maladies of any kind that would prevent me from living the life I want to. And you know something? I HAVE been living the life I’ve wanted to. The only issue is, I’m looking at myself believing I am not what I want to be or can be. And both of those are simply not true. I am the culmination of every life choice I’ve made up until this point. And if I want any of it to change, only I can. So complaining about it isn’t going to help. Wishing for things to be different and disappointed when they don’t change in less than 24 hours…yeah that’s going to make me fucking miserable. So I know I’ve got to knock that shit off.
As I mentioned before, I’m much better mentally today than I have been the last couple days and I hope it lasts. I don’t like the way it’s made me feel, or the way I’ve been treating people because of it. I honestly felt like my old depression was creeping in. And it’s very possible it was/is. Addiction is a fucked up thing. I’ve got to beat it. For my sake, and for my dream’s sake.
Six weeks of not smoking. Six weeks of being strong and feeling confident and ready to say goodbye to it (again) forever. Tuesday was the first day I was without the patch. I thought I was golden. That was until 5 minutes after I woke up and it felt like every moment of the day was against me. I rationally know this is bullshit. But it’s not how it felt. From the clumsiness of myself getting ready in the morning, the lateness of my getting to work, the people on the roads forgetting how to drive and nearly hitting me, to the attitudes of everyone at work (mostly my perception I’m sure), and the insanity of the work day, on top of the same-but-different-and-in-some-ways-worse commute home…I couldn’t do it. It pissed me off on top of everything else that it felt like I hadn’t quit for those six weeks at all. Like the last cigarette I had was yesterday. Because of the patches preventing the withdrawal process, it didn’t feel like I had quit at all when the first day without them. I felt so outside of my body mentally and physically, I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
So I smoked.
And what did I discover? Sure, while I may have physically and mentally rebalanced over the last couple days, the smoking does NOT taste/feel/smell good…I did NOT miss it…I do NOT need it…I do NOT want it…but I also don’t want to wear the patches the rest of my life.
Now, coming back to REALITY…nicotine stays in the system for two days.
Two days.
48 hours.
I’ve marathoned longer.
I’ve also done this before.
Every time I’ve quit, I’ve done it cold turkey. And one of those times I did it cold turkey I was successful quitting for over a year and a half.
So I know I can do it.
I just need to not be around people for 48 hours. And prepare for the withdrawal side effects which have been insomnia, sweating, irritability (duh), and general (severe) mental instability. This is why it’s best I do this with as little contact with people as possible. I don’t like who I am going through withdrawal, and I don’t need other people subjected to it.
So this is why the day after Mexico is D-Day. We will be gone for six days. We will drink, smoke and eat our hearts out. Pure bliss.
Upon returning, it will be on a Wednesday. I have Thursday-Sunday, four days (which I’ve taken off of work) to deal with my withdrawal as I get over this addiction cold turkey, and move past the PHYSICAL addiction. The mental part I can handle when the physical withdrawal doesn’t fuck with my head.
TL;DR – Don’t smoke, kids. It’ll ruin your life. Or kill you. Or both.
I’ve done this before. All of it. Weight loss, quitting smoking. It’s just harder to process and move through when you’re back in the stages of unhappiness and imbalance. So, hopefully this entire blog hasn’t sounded like one big bitch/whine fest. Cause it really isn’t. This is me at my most raw. This is me at my most vulnerable. This is me saying I can’t stand my physical reality, but I do love and respect and am proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished thus far. I’m only trying to change the last few things I’d rather not experience in this lifetime. There is so much more out there I have yet to experience, and I will not leave this planet until I do.
I think a goals post is called for once this initial challenge is over. As I said, this blog is not ceasing at the end of the 84 days.
Oh the fun is just beginning.
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